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Some where in the 1970's, I was not in a band and skint, used to get The M.E.N's every night and look under "Bands Musicians and Artiste's", not been much in over the last few weeks and I was skint, scanned down the columns, nothing except "Magicians Assistant Req. good pay and use of Escort van", that's the very fellow for me I thought, phoned up and went to see this guy, it turned out it was a character called Clive Webb the comedy magician off "Tiswas" I thought this should be a laugh, I got the gig and after a couple of hours of lessons on how to set up guillotines and chopping peoples hands off machines, and loading rabbits into hats, you know just the usual stuff, we set off a few days later in his brand new Escort van, bound for the far North East, when we got there we went to a small Hotel he used, he knew the people who ran it, and had an account there , he did not book in himself in because this was his home town and when gigging the N.E. he used his Mums as a base, he booked me in for the two weeks, and then I ran him to his Mums, I then went back to the digs to plan what I would do in the evening, (no gig this first night).
On my return to the Hotel I soon found out that it was well known on the N.E. cabaret circuit and was full of bands and acts, this is getting better by the minute, I soon made friends with a band from London, they were a rock band who just did the cabaret circuit to pay the bills, that's the way it worked in the olden days, they had a loads of weed with them, I was a made up smoking and jamming till the early hours in their room after the gigs. I went with Clive in the Evenings did the gigs with him, dropped him off at his Mums and went back to the digs, this place was f*****g mad, full to the gunnels with eccentric nutters, acrobats, comedians, bands, the place was an f*****g circus, I loved it.
Come the weekend we were playing a big club venue, supporting one of Clive's mates, someone called "Wayne Check Allen", apparently a New Faces All Winners, Winner, Clive proclaimed, wow said I, (I had forbidden myself to watch such shite, I was a f*****g rock star who was just filling in time between gigs), when we arrived at the venue it was huge place with a huge stage, this should be OK I thought, then I went into the dressing room, which I would have to put the gear in, it was tiny, what you have to understand , is you don't just set up and then go to the bar, you have to rush on stage with the next prop, get I ready to use, remove the last props he'd used and store them in the dressing room, but now they were miles bigger because they were unpacked, believe me this is hard graft at the best of times, a bit like them guys who spin plates on sticks, yer know them back at the Hotel!!!,
The evenings entertainment was stripper, Clive, stripper, resident band, Wayne Check Allen, stripper, Clive, stripper, Wayne Check Allen, Cam imagine, two strippers, a magician and all his gear, resident band and a comedian, and then try and fit them all into one matchbox, What have you got, CHAOS!!!!,
Clive was on his second set, I was running round trying to keep Clives show going and in the mean time trying to cram as much used stuff in the van to create more space, I came to the dressing room door and it was shut, I had my hands full so I just booted it. CRASH, BANG, screams and curses F**k me , when I looked thru the now open door there lying on top of a screaming stripper with his pants round his ankles was, "Wayne Check Allen", he'd been s*****n her up against the door!!!, I could not help myself, I just burst into hysterical laughter at the sight before me, and then he struggled to his feet pulling his pants up, screaming at me "you f*****g idiot what are you doing", I'm trying to do my job you asshole I said still in still in fits, "don't you call me an asshole, he said, DONT YOU KNOW WHO I AM!!!!, "he's Wayne Check Allen", the stripper replied for him", by this time I'd had enough of laughing and screamed back, I HAVE NO IDEA WHO YOU ARE, I HAD NEVER HEARD OF YOU BEFORE TONIGHT, AND WHATS MORE YOUR FUCKING SHOW STINKS, he then punched me in the face.
I did not go down because I had seen it coming, an image of my Dad appeared in my head, your not gonna let him get away with that are yah son? I raised my "Dooks" up in the classic English gentleman's stance, whilst my brain selected one of my well rehearsed off the shelf Al Duffy Scary threats,…………………..and said: "you've f*****n had it now WAYNE", I then proceeded to beat seven bails of crap out of him, when Clive appeared in the dressing room after hearing all the noise, (you would have heard it all over the club), he was treated to the sight of his mate, who was by this time on the floor with me astride him, holding him by the collars and screaming obscenities at him, I was dragged off.
The journey back to the Hotel was somewhat subdued as can imagine, on arrival Clive said, "Phil, you and I are going to have to part company", he pulled out a wad of cash, and said here's your train fare home and your wages for the last five nights, but he had deducted the train fare from my wages!!, he then drove off to his Mums, I was pissed off, in my mind I had made the best of a bad job, and as far as WCA went he had just got what he deserved, I went into The Hotel and I clocked my new Southern mates at the bar, your back early aint yah guys, we aint fackin bin ave we, why not?, it turned out there guitarist, had to go back to London, cant remember why, next minute someone said, hey Phil why don't you stand in for him, were only here for another week, and that's what I did, I just kept my room for the week as it was still on Clives account, he never thought I would ever want to stay on, Hah. Luckily we all saw the funny side of it, except the comedian's of course.
This little ditty is just one of my websites crazy but true stories,
Ride On Brothers.
